* ...your smile kills me

jilly03 @ 2005-03-29T15:28:00

2005-03-29T20:29:20Z

hey y`all. i have a new Lj* its _soft_qiqqles .. kay..? i wont be using this ne more sooo add me!!

__FALLiNG iNTO PLACE*

2005-03-21T20:28:43Z

((from yesterday --lol))
Hey y`all!! I just got back from the movies with SiLLY& Mom, fun. Omg. omg.so the past few days have been really really good!! mmkay, so Saturday I made my confirmation, it was mad boring but after, the party was fun. SiLLY, Sammy, Becca, FiFi, Ant, and CJ came.Fun. it was hilarious. ((omg SiLLY; poop head lmao*)) then that night SiLLY slept over_&we were in so much trouble with my mom, madd funny. But ne way we were online fer a really long time and Kyle immed me & was like, “do you like carl” I said no. then yelled at him because he got me REALLY mad cause he was making up a ton of crap. Oh yea and guess what?!?!? *Eric* asked me out!!!!!!!!! I was sooooo happy. I feel really bad though about mary. I asked her if it was okay a ton of times, but I still feel bad. but yea.*i<3eric!!*

iLoveYou,
BiLLY/PHOENiXX

*wow; omg silly; that girl at the movies. gross. he was UGLYYYY!!!!!!!

*KiSS ME LiKE YOU MEAN iT

2005-03-16T22:05:47Z

Take the quiz: "What Kinda Kiss R U?"

Tender Kiss
The tender kiss is the feeling where you can be anywhere and show your feelings.

PiCKiNG MY PiECES UP_&GLUiNG THEM BACK

2005-03-10T21:31:02Z

*..i'm not sad i cant get him back, im not even sad i lost him. im sad for what we once had, and how i once loved him. i'm sad for what we could have been, and never were, but i'm okay now..

((Dave; i love you like crazy, your the best. thank you for everything, bffe++.))

((Treenie_&FiFi; thank you for putting up with me, i know i can get really annoying, but you dont have to worry anymore.))

((Meghan; your look exqusit! your awesome, thanks for sharing sad stories with me. numbers 32+58. rock on.))

((Dallas; your my best, you know that. i know i havn't been the best friend i could have been, but thank you for staying by me. i love you, you've helped me through so much.))

((Kyle..; thank you for letting us be what we were, i missed you for so long but now, im over you.))

jilly03 @ 2005-03-03T15:39:00

2005-03-03T20:40:00Z

I know im being gay. And we’ve been over for more than 2weeks but I still cant believe its really over. i miss him..

TELL ME YOU MiSS ME TOO..

2005-03-01T16:50:39Z

its been a little more than 2weeks since we've been over. it seems so final; but i miss him so much. i dont do this any more. i havent done this in so long. when its over; its over, but this time its diffrent. i want him back.and i dunno whats wrong with me, I just do. and then yesterday he called.. and since im not allowed to use the phone my mom said i couldnt talk. I didn’t sleep at all last night. It was kind of hard to when I could take my mind off the fact that maybe, just maybe he missed me too. But of course not, it never works that way for me...i couldnt figure out why he called. i had hopes but i knew they werent gunna be true. We haden’t talked since we broke up. And i wasn’t planning on calling him back either. and then again today he called me. i heard his voice and i could think anything other than please tell me you miss me... so, your probably wondering why he called, am i right? Well he called because his mom told him i called. so i quietly said "no sry, bye”..and i hung up the phone. when he said bye his voice seemed so queit. maybe my problem is that i hope to much for things that can never happen. But I dunno..my voice seemed as broken as his did faded. Its increadible what one person can do to you. from the moment my mom said kyle called I started crying. I thought maybe she said the wrong name so I asked her again. And sure enough the name was his. anyway, right before i said bye..i almost said i miss you, but i didnt and now what might have happend never will. The same mistake again.. and once again i'm left waiting by the phone hoping for him to call back and tell me he misses me and loves me and all that other crap that comes with it. but he wont. Because when he did he felt nothing. He felt as little as I felt a lot. I’m tried of being this grl who gets stuck with the same problems and feels and crap always end up with the same problems. And im tried of crying my fucking self to sleep because once again, i realize im not supposed to be happy. Before he called I was getting better. The every night crying had stopped. I didn’t think about him every spilt second of the god damn day. I was almost ready to move on! But then he calls.. and I cant help but miss everything I once had with him. I cant help not think about him.

LoveHim,
Pheonixx.

*and to top it off, im never leaving my house again [thank you mom.] and I cant go online or use the phone any more. right now im not supposed to be on.

PRiTTY DEAD iNSiDE; THANKS.

2005-02-23T17:31:37Z

You scored as A Too Depressed Faerie. There's no doubt about it your not a very cheerful faerie exactly. Maybe your feeling absence or are just depressed with life or world events currently. You may be upset but that doesn't necessarily mean your unhappy, there are some faeries who enjoy sadness. But if your not one of them, look up and smile, if its so bad, it can only get better.

See All Results/Comment

</td>

A Too Depressed Faerie

100%

A Too Serious Faerie

80%

A Too Evil Faerie

60%

A Too Lazy Faerie

50%

A Too Sporty Faerie

45%

A Too Kinky Faerie

40%

A Too Astral Faerie

35%

A Too Silly Faerie

25%

A Too Sweet Faerie

Which Dysfunctional Faerie are You?
created with QuizFarm.com

iT JUST CAN`T BE OVER

2005-02-20T01:27:18Z

**So sorry; but I do. I want him back. More than anything.. but I dunt think he’s coming back.

I watch the walls around me crumble
but it's not like I won't build them up again
so here's your last chance for redemption
So take it while it lasts cuz it will end
And my tears are turning into time
I've wasted trying to find
A reason for goodbye

I cant live without you
can't breathe without you I dream about you
Honestly tell me that its over
cuz if the world is spinning and I'm still living
It wont be right if were not in it together
tell me that it's over
And ill be the first to go
Don't want to be the last to know

I won't be the one to chase you
But at the same time your the heart that I call home
I'm always stuck with these emotions
and the more I try to feel the less I'm whole
My tears are turning into time
I've wasted trying to find
A reason for goodbye

Over Over Over.
My tears are turning into time
I've wasted trying to find a reason for goodbye...

Tell me that it's over. Over..
Honestly tell me. Honestly tell me.
Dont tell me that its over. Dont tell me that its oovveer...

thought we'd last forever.

2005-02-17T01:31:23Z

On valentines day kyle and I broke up. Theres a lot to the story but I dunt wanna say it. I would show the convo; but I could save it because I couldn’t see through my tears. Almost two months. I liked him so much; and iswear I could die for the things I thought he’d say. Its been over two days. Two whole days. That night; I’d NEVER cried harder, ask fefe or treenie. I was choking on my tears it was gross eww. All day in school I thought I was gunna get in trouble because the mention of his name and my heart would just break. And for what? .. “family problems” its like shoved it up your ass. No but it’s okay because he “loves me and always will”. Dude. Its like just tell the freaking truth. And I know he doesn’t love me and he wont always either because for some reason, I keep think he likes some one else. And I’ve told my self its not true..but it is, I think. I don’t want us to be over. Im not ready to be over. And im NOT over him. but its too late; because it he “loves me and always will” then we wouldn’t be over would we? Your right we wouldn’t be. but for some reason; i still sit by the phone and wait for him to call. maybe i want him to call because i want so badly for him to ask for me back. maybe its because i dont want to be left here like this. maybe i'm just scared to be with out him; when with him i was so happy..-[[ooh. I like that. can you say new away message?]]- I never realized how much I really liked him.<//3 LoveYou. Pheonixx

haha- <3you david]]-

2005-02-14T20:37:11Z

Love and Sex With Your Friends by dannygrl0129
Username
Sex
Favorite Color
Love of your life:	confuseddork669
Best sex of your life:	newstartx
Will make you come 1000 times:	crazie_blonde14
Will break your heart:	xojulie17
Best Kisser:	__ab3rcrombiex
Best cuddler:	sodeep_inlovexo
You secretly dream of:	dave_85_
But this person dreams of you:	crazie130
Will handcuff you and screw you silly:	x3babyyqirly

Quiz created with MemeGen!

jilly03 @ 2005-02-14T15:27:00

2005-02-14T20:32:59Z

At your ten year high school reunion... by robbiewriter
Your school name
Your name
Your job will be	Porn star
You will be worth	$904,419
Everyone will think you	your s snob

Quiz created with MemeGen!

jilly03 @ 2005-02-14T15:25:00

2005-02-14T20:25:38Z

Your Stripper Info by radioface
first name
age
Stripper Name:	Paris
Specialty:	u get the most $ in yer thong
Customers say:	"She's way too hot to strip"

Quiz created with MemeGen!

only v-day i havent crued twice*

2005-02-14T20:19:37Z

LAST PERSON WHO...
x. Slept in your bed: me
x. Saw you cry: kyle..or steph+liss [at the dance]
x. Made you cry: alex or my mom.
x. You went to the movies with: omg. when me+kyle, brea,carl,+the flint went. Long time ago.
x. You went to the mall with: my mom
x. Yelled at you: my daddy or my sister
x. Sent you an email: my self lol

HAVE YOU EVER...
x. Said "I Love You" and meant it?: yes..
x. Gotten in a fight with your pet: umm no?
x. Been to California: nope.
x. Been to Hawaii: nope.
x. Been to Mexico: nope.
x. Been to China: nope
x. Been to Canada: nope. Omg I need to get out more.
x. Danced naked: umm no?
x. Dreamed something really crazy and then it happened the next day: not really crazy just stupid lil things.
x. Wish you were the opposite sex: nope/
x. Had an imaginary friend: no?
x. Do you have a crush on someone: my love; kyle<3
x. What book are you reading now: web of dreams_by VC Andrews
x. Worst feeling in the world: not being loved back by the only one you can see yourself with.
x. Future son's name: Matthew Hayden or Andrew David. Lol I have too much spare time.
x. Do you sleep with a stuffed animal: nope.
x. What's under your bed: omg-where to start
x. Favorite sport to watch: cheer compitions or the football games.
x. Siblings: a sister
x. Location: shelton
x. College plans: UCLA
x. Piercings/tattoos: peircings

EXTRA STUFF
x. Do you do drugs: nope.
x. Do you drink: sometimes.
x. Who is your best friend: brea+jay.
x. What are you most scared of: ...[[it’s a secret.]]
x. What clothes do you sleep in: pajamas!
x. Where do you want to get married: I used to want to be married in rome but now the four seasonls in LA. lol
x. Who do you really hate:wow where to start?
x. Been in Love: all my heart
x. Do you drive: I can but its illegal.
x. Do you have a job: nope.
x. Do you like being around people: yupp
x. Are you for world peace: shure?

STUFF
x. Have you ever liked someone you had no chance with: yupp.i grew-up doing that.
x. Have you ever cried over something someone of the opposite sex did: 98% of the time that’s Why im crying.
x. Do you have a "type" of person you always go after: dunt think so?dark hair-mostly?
x. Want someone you don't have right now: nope. He’s mine<33
x. Are you lonely right now: I dunt know
x. Song thats stuck in your head a lot: since you’ve been gone; Kelly clarkson.
x. Do you want to get married: yupp.
x. Do you want kids: yup!!

FAVORITE
x. Room in house: basement
x. Band/singer(s): goOd cHarlOtte- siMple pLan- the uSed- trapT- grEen dAy- dashbOard cOnfeSsional- briTney sp3ars- ashlEe+jeSsica SimpSon- chRisTina aGularia- ryAn cAbrerA- hiLaRy duff- linDsAy loHan
x. Color: pink
x. Perfume: Abercrombie
x. Month: april;september
x. Stone: diamond*

IN THE LAST 72 HOURS, HAVE YOU...
x. Cried: unfornatly
x. Bought something: yupp.
x. Gotten sick: no.
x. Sang: constanly.
x. Wanted to tell someone you loved them: yes
x. Met someone new: yupp
x. Missed someone: yupp
x. Hugged someone: yupp

The \\
Last Cigarette: never
Last Alcoholic Drink: few nights ago
Last Car Ride: back frum the dance.
Last Kiss: I dunno ?
Last Good Cry: on thrusday night.
Last Library Book: long time agp
Last book bought: i dunno
Last Book Read: dawn. By vc andrews
Last Movie Rented: euro trip->>Scotty doesn’t know brea!!!!!!
Last Cuss Word Uttered: whore
Last Beverage Drank: water
Last Food Consumed: I dunt rememeber
Last Crush: other than kyle? OMG ERIC lol I think. Or maybe not?
Last Phone Call: kyle or brea
Last TV Show Watched: some tv movie.
Last Time Showered: this morning
Last Shoes Worn: pink ballet flat wrap-ups
Last CD Played: ashlee simpson
Last Item Bought: dance ticket
Last Download:duno
Last Annoyance: my sister.
Last Disappointment: pick one.
Last Soda Drank: I dunt drink soda ne more.
Last Thing Written: this.
Last Key Used: .
Last Words Spoken: I have a headache
Last Sleep: last night
Last Ice Cream Eaten: I dunt eat ice cream
Last Chair Sat In: my computer chair
Last Webpage Visited: photobucket.com or livejournal.com

jilly03 @ 2005-02-13T16:05:00

2005-02-13T21:12:32Z

Your love is... by ChibiMarronchan
Your name is...
Your kiss is...	mysterious
Your hugs are...	warm
Your eyes...	sparkle like the stars
Your touch is...	irresistable
Your smell is...	amazing
Your smile is...	entrancing
Your love is...	perfect

Quiz created with MemeGen!

mm this quiz was accuarte! lol

2005-02-13T20:58:07Z

Your Love Life by lpfloatsmyboat
Name/username/nickname:
favorite color:
best physical quaility:	everything!
best personality trait:	outgoing
will you marry your bf/gf that you have now?	it depends
when will you get married?	December 25, 2012
your kiss is:	meaningful!
People date you because:	you're cute

Quiz created with MemeGen!

jilly03 @ 2005-02-12T16:09:00

2005-02-12T21:09:36Z

fixing my layout..grr.

“he took my hand; [babi don’t let go]

2005-02-12T16:10:59Z

Eww sry I haven’t written in so long; I’ve been busy doing nothing. So last night was the dance – and once again it was boring. The school dances always suck. I must have cried 3 times last night! Im such a baby; but something was wrong with jay + he wouldn’t tell me what it was. Jay and I hugged for the fist time last night; I just thought that was weird because he one of my BEST friends. Then when he seemed better, I was all pissed because my friend alex was wearing kyles hat. Kyle and I have a joke about his hat cuz I got lip gloss on it and I had it for like a month and crap, and I ALWAYS wear it. so-yeah I was all pissed off and crying liss, steph, jules and fifi when kyle came up behind me- and we hadn’t really talked all night and crap and I wasn’t in the mood to talk to him and so I went to turn around and then he was like “wanna dance” and I smiled and said maybe and then he took my hand and it was just so sweet- I think y’all had to be there- I was so happy omg! he was like why were you crying I was like what are you talking about? [lol] so the fist song we ever danced to was true by ryan Cabrera!!! Yay! I love kyle so much*!!

*three days til’ Valentine’s Day!!
*sixx days til’ brEa’s party- I’m gunna talk kyle into going- wish me luck*
*ten days til’ our 2month anniversary

on the phone; love to hear his voice..

2005-02-06T19:44:14Z

1. What is the time right now?5:14 pm
2. Name: Jilly niCole tYszka
3. What are you wearing right now: cami + shorts
4. Star sign: ari3s
5. Where do you live: shelton
6. Single or taken: Single
7. Righty or lefty: Righty
8. Hair colour: dk brown
9. Eye colour: dk brown
10. Do you have a boyfriend / girlfriend: b0yfReind!! <3 you*
11. Will you send this to your crush: Nah..
13. When is your birthday: apRil.16.

ON GUYS FOR GIRLS TO FILL OUT (for girls only!)

14. Boxers or briefs: Boxers
15. Long or short shorts: long.
16. Dark or blonde hair: dark
17:Tall or Short?:taller than me
18. Six-pack: shure*
19. Muscular arms: are nice
20. Good or bad guy: bad b0y-most of the time lol
21. Hat or no hat: Depends
22. Ears pierced or not: not really
23. Dimples: idc
24. Studdy or cutie: both!
25. Dark or light eyes: darker
26. Fat or thin: middle
27. Jewelery or none: Idc
28. Curly or straight hair: idc
29. Freckles or none: doesn't matter but freckles can be cute lol
30. Indoor or outdoor: A little of both!
31. Shy or outgoing: Outgoing but not retarded acting lol

ON GIRLS FOR GUYS TO FILL OUT (for guys only!) [[kyle did it]]
32. Regular underwear or G: g-string
33. Painted nails or not: painted works
34. Bra or sports bra: bra
35. Cute n' mysterious or wild n' sexy: wild n’ sexy
36. Dressy or casual: casual
37. Dark or blonde hair: dark
38. Long or short hair: longer
39. Dark or light eyes: darker
40. Long or short nails: short
41. Hat or no hat: no hat
42. Good or bad girl: bad girl
43. Fat or thin: thin
44. Hair up or down: down
45. Jewelery or none: jeweley
46. Tall or short: shorter
47. Curly or straight hair: straight
48. Pants or dress: pants
49. Tan or fair: tan
50. Freckles or none: yes
51. Indoor or outdoor: outdoor
52. Shy or outgoing: outgoing

*~EVERYONE~*

53. Would you date someone just for his or her looks: no
54. Chocolate or white milk: chocalote
55. Moose or jelly: YOU CAN EAT MOOSES? EW. OMFG. THAT’S GROSS.
56. Skiing or boarding: boarding
57. Summer or winter: Summer..
58. Cake or pie: Cake
59. Silver or gold: Silver
60. Sunset or sunrise: Sunset
61. Have you ever fractured/broken/sprained a bone: many many times
62. Do you have any piercings: yupp
63. What's your favourite color(s)?: peachy cream colur lol
64. Do you hate anyone? Omg yea.
65. Who do you dream about: all kinds of things
66. Do you have a HUGE crush on someone right now: kyle! iLy babe
67. Who's the loudest friend: me. lol- or teresa
68. Who's the quietest friend: becca
69. Who do you tell your dreams to: dave
70 What shampoo do you use: Erbal essence
71. How many TVs in your house: none..i don’t think
72. Who is the last person you called?: dorothy
73. Where do you want to get married: in a BIG white church
74. If you could change one thing about yourself?: theres not just one.
75. Favourite number(s): 3
76. Favourite boys names: Matthew-Andrew-Michael
77. Favourite girls names: SO MANY- I have my kids names picked out lol
78. Have you ever gone skinny-dipping: lmao.
79. Been in love: all my heart//only once
80. How many people are you sending this to: no one my Lj* I guess!
81. Who do you hope will send it back: omg I dk
82. What is the last film you saw at the cinema: eww. Darkness with kyle brea carl bobby fifi and the flint!! Haha!! lol
83. What do you have for breakfast in the morning: I don’t eat breakfast
84. Do you like filling these things out: cuz im bored
85. What time is it now: 5:24

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE ME:
86 | chucky omg
87 | never finding the one
88 | losing people
------------------------------------------------------
THREE PEOPLE (THINGS) WHO (THAT) MAKE ME LAUGH:
89 | brea
90 | kyle
91 | jayhon.
---------------------------------------------------
THREE THINGS I LOVE:
92 | me. lol
93 | acting.
94 | friends.
---------------------------------------------------
THREE THINGS I HATE:
95 | the plum lmao
96 | the rat lmao
97 | losing people
--------------------------------------------------
THREE THINGS I DON'T UNDERSTAND:
98 | love
99 | sciene
100 | why fat people continue to eat. lol
---------------------------------------------------
THREE THINGS ON MY DESK:
101 | Gatorade
102 | lip gloss
103 | mirror
---------------------------------------------------
THREE THINGS I'M DOING RIGHT NOW:
104 | singing
105 | typing
106 | thinking
---------------------------------------------------
THREE THINGS I WANT TO DO BEFORE I DIE:
107 | fall in love and him love me back
108 | have babies lol
109 | be famous-or rich lol
---------------------------------------------------
THREE THINGS I CAN DO:
110 | eat
111 | giggle
112 | talk-a lot.
---------------------------------------------------
THREE WAYS TO DESCRIBE MY PERSONALITY:
113 | loud.
114 | outgoing.
115 | mad fun. lol
---------------------------------------------------
THREE THINGS I CAN'T DO:
116 | hit the g note quite right..
117 | get over guys easily
118 | umm make money? lol
---------------------------------------------------
THREE THINGS I THINK YOU SHOULD LISTEN TO:
119 | green day
120 | dashboard confessional
121 | good charlotte
---------------------------------------------------
THREE THINGS I DON'T THINK YOU SHOULD LISTEN TO EVER:
122 | SHAGGY LMAO BREA
123 | jamacian singers
124 | William hung.
---------------------------------------------------
THREE THINGS I SAY THE MOST:
125 | ewww.
126 | oh my god.
127 | really?
---------------------------------------------------
THREE OF YOUR ABSOLUTE FAVORITE FOODS:
128 | chips almost any kind
129 | soup almost any kind
130 | pasta
---------------------------------------------------
THREE BEVERAGES YOU DRINK REGULARLY:
131 | water
132 | ?
133 | ?
---------------------------------------------------
THREE SHOWS YOU WATCHED WHEN YOU WERE A KID:
134 | seasame street.
135 | Disney movies.
136 | ???
---------------------------------------------------
RANDOM QUOTES:
137 | sometimes you’ve gotta sit back and watch the person you love fall in love with some one else –I wrote that!!!
138 | I love you so much and im so happy but I can help but think that it’ll all be ending soon- I wrote that too!!
139 | im so scared that I’m gunna miss out on my destiny and never feel that thing that you need to feel to be okay-I wrote that too!! I should be rich cuz im good! lol

but i dont want someone perfect; i've got who i want.

2005-02-06T19:40:26Z

Survey - The Perfect Guy

1. hair color- brown
2. eye color- brown or green
3. height- taller than me
4. six pack-okay!
5. long or short hair - short
6. glasses – don’t care
7. piercings – umm maybe- only the ear though
8. scars- I like bad boys.
9. eyebrows – 2 of them
10. big butt or little- a cute one lol
11. chest hair- no
12. buff or skinny- buff
13. straight teeth- shure
14. funny or serious – funny- my stick!! lol
15. party or stay at home – parrr-taay
16. should he cook or bake- both
17. should he have a best friend- of course
18. should he have a lotta girlfriends- not really I guess a few
19. outgoing or shy - outgoing
20. sarcastic or sincere -sincere
21. should he love his mother – okay
22. should he watch chick flicks – shure?
23. would he be a smoker – no.
24. would he drink-no.
25. would he swear- preferable not.
26. would he play with your hair- yes! Its so cute when guys do that.
27. one or more girls at a time- no juss me.
28. would he pay for dates – yes.
29. does he kiss on the first date – a good-night kiss on the cheek or a quick peck- that’s sweet
30. where would you go to dinner – I duno
31. would he bring you flowers- I don’t care
32. would he lay under the stars with you – yes..
33. would he write poetry about you – no- only songs lol/
34. would he call you hunny, sweetie, or baby -baby
35. would he hang out with you and YOUR friends – yea
36. would you hang out with him and HIS friends- yea
37. will he walk you to the door at the end of a date? yes
38. holding hands – yes.
39. soccer- no.
40. baseball-yes.
41. basketball – I don’t care
42. football- yes.
43. water polo-no.
44. surf- shure
45. skateboard-yea
46. snowboard- I don’t care
47. sing – yea but not a grly voice something like greenday
48. play guitar- ok
49. play piano-no
50. play drums- yes.
51. clean his room- yea sure
52. paint, draw, sculpt- if he wants
53. writes his own music – yea- that’s hot.,
54. use the word dude – yea! That’s cute
55. use the word tight – no. never.
56. would he watch the sun rise with you –and the sun fall..
57. what kind of car does he drive – not at this age
58. how old is he – my age or a lil older
59. what would his name be – what his mom named him- nothing gay though.

he juss keeps getting in the way..

2005-02-03T00:17:20Z

have you ever had that one person in your life who, no matter how happy you are with someone else or how in love you are,all he has to do is say your name and you have to fight juss to keep holding onto what you have? well- doesnt it suck? and its like you know you juss cant do that because you know how happy you are with that one person but this guy- he always gets in the way and hes so happy with some else and you KNOW he doesnt feel the same but sometime even though your taken you wish that for juss on night you could be the one he's thinking of- the one hes holding when he's falling asleep. but you can't and you know it juss will never be-and that feeling in your stomach when he looks at you shouldnt be there, juss like that look in his eyes when they fall upon you...

i keep on thinking about someone i know i shouldnt be thinking about. i keep getting myself into deep with things i shouldn't even give a crap about. i keep setting my self up for these big falls and theres nothing i can do to change it. i try, i really do but he keeps getting in the way. he keeps reminding me of these things i should never have even thought about to begin with. but i keep on thinking about him-and i know he sees it in my eyes. i CANT keep thinking bout him, i'm so happy with kyle..but this kid, i cant get him off of my mind. liek, i like Kyle way too much to even be able to care about this other person; but for some reason i do. only a little, maybe, but i still do. And I hate it, on so many different levels, because I can’t change it. I don’t know how to change it. and I don’t want to ever lose what I have with kyle but these gotta be some reason this guy is on my mind. i don’t want to fall apart, not again; not so soon after the last time..and I cant say anything to kyle cuz..umm he’s kyle, and I don’t want him to take it the wrong way. But I needed to tell someone so I told y’all who read this.

But this isn’t the first time this guy out of no where has juss aPpEaReD.. and I don’t know. cuz he looks at me in this way that both of us know he shouldn’t be. I think im starting to realize, I’m one of those people who isn’t ever supposed to be happy. One of those people who always make the same mistake, over and over and over again. One of those people who promise them selves it wouldn’t ever happen again; but then it does. Maybe my problem is that I keep trying to change my fate, but once it sets its self in place, theres nothing you can do to change it. Everytime I think omg everything is finally how it should be, people like him have to ruin it for me. I don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life, never mind the rest of the week. I’m with this person who is so perfect for me I cant even believe and for some reason, he sees it too. And right now, more than anything in the world, I’m afraid I’ll lose him. I over anylize everything. And I’ve been thinking maybe the reason I’m like this is because I’m a strong enough person, where as if it was someone else they’d be even worse. But what ever, I dunno what’s been going on with me.

**If anyone has good advice..leave a comment..or e-mail me. *julie+meg..thats mainly to you.. lol..i love you guys.**

Love You.<//3 jilLy.phoenix.

jilly03 @ 2005-02-01T15:17:00

2005-02-01T20:16:38Z

i've been thinking about and i HATE it when people tell me im pretty. its like dude, i know im not. i'm over it. and i decided i also HATE it when people argue with me about it. all my life i've been told how ugly i am and its juss mad gay when people try and tell me i'm not cause i dont care any more. i am who i am and i cant change that [even though i've tried] so please dont tell me i'm pretty cause it juss pisses me off. mmkay? [no eric its my word lol]. and last but not least, i HATE it when people tell me i'm perfect or my life is perfect. because im not and i never will be- im not pretty or smart or popular or good at anything. i have scars and brusies and cuts. i've been in love and i've been broken. i've gotten t0o deep into things and i'm still looking for my self in them. i'm probably one of the most screwed up mistake you'll ever meet. whats in this Lj* isn't even half of the things i go through. there's so much stuff i CANT write about - even in my diary- just because no one can ever find it. i have all off these secrets that i hate, but have to keep, because if people know, then i wont be looked at the same way ever again by anyone. i have this whole secret life that i just cant break out of, but you know what I’m okay with it. i’ve gotten over it.

Love You.<33
JilLy:phoenix

**ps. dalLas-whats my other name? lol I forgot it!!

jilly03 @ 2005-01-28T15:52:00

2005-01-28T20:52:53Z

Which Two Boys will you have a threesome with by GlamRockKen
Your Name
First Partner	Ashton Kutcher
Second Partner	Josh Harrnett
Where At	On David Lettermans's Desk
What Happens After	You get married to them both

Quiz created with MemeGen!

mood|s0O happy<3

2005-01-25T21:22:23Z

i x3 kyle so much- - i'm so happy with him. i juss make things up in my haed i guess lol

mood| i DONT WANNA FALL TO PiECES

2005-01-21T22:05:44Z

kyle- i love you so much- but the look in your eyes has faded and the sound in your voice in no longer there. baby i wanna be with you forever- i never wanna lose you. but babe your killing me inside and i dont wanna fall apart again- not this time. please call soon cuz we gotta fix things</33 you hurt me so bad over and over and ovedr again and you dont even realize it. i dont wanna break up but you cant do this to me anymore. tomorrow is our 1 month- i wanna make it longer than that- but i need you to help us do that. you cant avoid me nd you cant not pick up the freaking phone when i kall- if were over tell me. i`m tried of this. just think about you makes me cry. i dont smile anymore- i dont smile liek i used to. i changed so much for you. and to be with you it was worth it but if your gunna break me- then i dunno. i dont think straight my head ALWAYS hurts. it NOT supposed to be liek this. we used to be that kind of couple that everyone is jealous of- we always used to smile. laugh. but our jokes arent funny any more. and our smiles dissapperad. i love you.. </3 Love You. Jilly</3 iLY MEG* you made me feel so much better- c u p p y x3: heyy CRiSCi x3: hii c u p p y x3: whats up CRiSCi x3: i stayed home sick again !! whoo ! c u p p y x3: awww c u p p y x3: lol CRiSCi x3: ya i knoe CRiSCi x3: so howz things with kyle c u p p y x3: worse. CRiSCi x3: awww wuhy happened CRiSCi x3: **wuht c u p p y x3: liek to day he was avoiding me cus i finally saw him + zakky was right next to him, kyle saw me nd walked away nd then zakky called me over nd gave me a huge hug nd he hasnt been calling nd we've been fighiting when we have been on the phon nd i like him so much but i dont wanna be like i was with andy so .. i dunno him nd i NEED to talk but i called nd his lil sis was like h/o nd then his bro was liek tell her hes not here. CRiSCi x3: omq that`s rele mean to walk away from you c u p p y x3: i knoe he liek pretended not to see me but i dunno- i <3 him so much. CRiSCi x3: yea c u p p y x3: nd i dunno what to do- tomoros our 1month- and were liek fallin apart- unless itz only me but i dunt think it is CRiSCi x3: well like call him tomorrow and be like okay whats up c u p p y x3: i'm afriad we're gunna talk nd he's gunna be liek i wanna break up c u p p y x3: or why sont we break up CRiSCi x3: aww c u p p y x3: and i dunt wanna- i wanna fixx it CRiSCi x3: yea c u p p y x3: what am i gunna do..grr. CRiSCi x3: hmm c u p p y x3: nd its not like i can even get in touch with him. c u p p y x3: ive never liek a b/f like i like him CRiSCi x3: yea c u p p y x3: i`m sending you mail CRiSCi x3: kayy c u p p y x3: kay sentt CRiSCi x3: kay lemme check c u p p y x3: kayy CRiSCi x3: hmm CRiSCi x3: i wonder what that means c u p p y x3: hes emotionless- thats my joke with brea CRiSCi x3: lol CRiSCi x3: whenever i see him during lunch he always has rhe same look on his face CRiSCi x3: **the c u p p y x3: exactly c u p p y x3: he hurts me so bad CRiSCi x3: awww c u p p y x3: i`m gunna go nd wait for his call.. if he calls.. c u p p y x3: so bye muah xo ily CRiSCi x3: kayy i hope he does ily byee

mood| depressed

2005-01-20T18:39:59Z

i love kyle so much- but i think we`re falling apart.it`ll be our *one month* anniversary on the 22nd<3. i hope we can fix this so bad. hes my stick+i`m his flower...

Love You.
JilLy</3 *i`ve got to talk to him..soon..